Thursday, June 30, 2005

If history's an indicator, I'm the last person to get this. So just skip it and curse my name at your computer, if you've seen it. I just can't get enough Tom Cruise shenanigans, apparently.

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

are all scientologists this annoying?
Okay. It's official. It's only a matter of days before Tom Cruise peels off his human shell, revealing the scaly, rodant-eating lizard beneath. It's not just that he believes in aliens. It's the cement confidence with which he goes around yelling at people about it, that creeps me out. What the fuck's wrong with you?!?! You don't believe in aliens?!?!?! Listen, who are you? I'll tell you who you are. You're Jo Nobody. Me, I'm Tom Cruise. I starred in Cocktail, so let me tell you how it is. Aliens are REAL, Ridilin's for losers, and Katie Holmes makes Helen of Troy look like Janet Reno!!! ARRRGGGHHHGGHGHHGHGH!!!!!

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Mr. Toad's Wild Ride, Indeed

Carolyn sent this picture to me. It was taken during a Disneyland trip six years ago. I guess she's been admiring it in private all this time, and finally decided to share. It's about time. How often do you get to see pics of me in compromising positions in public? The answer: not often enough.

I think this was my favoritest DLand trip of all time. It was a big group. Sugary, LA Girl, SpeakMemory, and 10% were there, plus Drdek, Helen, Colleen, and other people you don't know if I don't know you -- even SpeakMemory's boyfriend at the time, who beat even me at tallness and whiteness. The only thing I can't remember is if this was the trip in which we convinced Helen that there existed a ride called Forest Fire, based on the terrifying finale of Bambi when the forest burns down (they use real fire!). Ah, good times.

Suddenly I'm nostalgic, and it blows that we're not at Disneyland right now. When are we going, people?? Maybe if we sell our organs we'll raise enough money to get in. Or pay for parking.

It's probably carry-over nostalgia from Lisa and John's wedding this past weekend, which destroyed. Old friends mixed with new, plus an open bar. Pretty sweet. It is a part one cliffhanger to Taryn's, which is to follow in 3 weeks. So stay tuned... if you like wedding stuff. And even if you don't, I may just post something totally unrelated to weddings and bachelor parties soon.

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Spring Break Weekend Part 2
Another weekend, another bachelor party. It was a crash course in Liver Punishment 101, and we totally aced it! Transportation from house to race track, race track to house, house to bar, bar to bar, and bar to house, was made possible by Jonny Durso, who carted us in a 15-seat passenger van. Somehow, though sober, he was still louder than all of us, and just as happy. Guess he was seduced by the charm of 15 boisterous, drunk guys. Less impressed was the couple we drove out of The Red Lion, and the door guys at 4100 who stopped us on the way in, and said 'we don't take bachelor parties -- too many fights'. But once they got a look at the kinds of guys in front of them, they let us by.... because we're classy, not because we're lame. Der.

On Sunday, a few of us took John to an Angels game, so that the sun could bake the hang overs out. Semi brutal. And the Angels lost. And by the way, Anaheim may be the most generic place on the planet. Never have I seen so much money wasted on chain-store garbage. (The two Hooters I saw from the freeway to the stadium don't count, naturally).

Thursday, June 16, 2005

Rock in the Park
I have never been to this park. In fact, last night I drove by it on the way to the new Batman movie, and thought, "I've never been to that park". Apparently it's host to a balls out rock fest. Rad! (Batman was dudeical).

Friday, June 10, 2005

Are you ready for this, Vegas?
I'm off to Vegas this afternoon for my cousin's bachelor party. Don't know a single person in this posse of bros besides my cousin, who I see two or three times a year.

For the ride, I burned a Barnes and Noble gift certificate for the new White Stripes album, which seemed perfectly fine since I'm about five unread books deep right now. And I can't exactly sing along to High Fidelity or Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close while driving. And reading is so totally NOT Vegas anyway, unless it's those porn mags from the strip -- you know, the ones that those skeezy men always try to shove in your face. Oh yes, you know.

So the soundtrack is secured. I even dug up a mix CD someone once made for a white trash party at my house. The first track is Warrant's "Cheery Pie", and it only gets sweeter from there. Rock!

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

I love those round bastards. Love them so much I ate three and a half yesterday. If you've ever had a donut, you know that more than two per sitting is asking for trouble, unless you have a problem, like you removed your teeth for maximum guilt-free sugar consumption, or are obese. Anyway I have one gripe, and it is for Krispy Kreme. Do you really need put on that much glaze?? Yeah, I know that's the point, and I'm sure I'm drawing fire from the donut-loving community, but seriously.

Thursday, June 02, 2005

I heard a theory recently. It goes like this: Oprah is actually L. Ron Hubbard in a black lady suit. Hubbard's been dead for a while -- so we're told! Would you really be surprised -- with all the secrecy surrounding Scientology -- would you really be shocked if his death was an Andy Kaufman-esque hoax? Or, perhaps more in keeping with the "science" of Scientology -- if his body was cryogenically preserved until the perfect replacement specimen was agreed on by top Wizards in the church? I'm not saying he's always inhabited her body. I'm just proposing that her organs and blood were drained so that the withered Hubbard could step in and zip her up.

Anyway, I'm going about this backwards. That's all speculation. Here are the facts.

-Both have international fame, are considered infallible by most, and possess an eerie command over the minds of their followers

-Oprah LOVES Scientologists. From what I hear, John Travolta, Kirstie Alley, and Tom Cruise are all regular guests, and personal friends.

Think about Tom Cruise's recent furniture-diving on her show. Does anyone besides Oprah's army actually buy that he's in love with Katie Homes? Clearly he was giddy to be in the presence of his Lord and savior. Perhaps he threw in a few extra shouts to get on her good side. Some day the Oprah suit will show its wear and tear, as all suits do after time. Maybe the Wizards will want a replacement celebrity. Is it so insane to think TC wants to step up to the plate??

To what end, you ask? Shit, I don't know. Dude, I'm not saying it's true. I'm just saying, whoa.

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