Friday, December 03, 2004
Good Ol' Fashioned Wife-Beatin'
Fatso, who now has access to every nanosecond of television thanks to his new job, brought home the Nick and Jessica Christmas Freak Show. Apparently, Jessica has newer, bigger, better boobs. Far be it for me to complain about boobs, but she's acquiring a frightening Anna Nicole quality that can't be denied. I mean, her stupidity and vapidness are well-known, but as shown in the side-splitting outtakes, she consistently flubbed her lines and missed cues, all with that kind of innocent, 'oops, I messed my diaper' grin of babies and/or the elderly. On top of that, her delivery was flat and a-rythmical. She spoke her lines like a nervous first-grader forced to read her 'What I Did This Summer' essay aloud in class. But the Anna Nicole-ness really shined through when she started singing. Her face got all contorted, like she was fighting off a seizure to get the notes out. She either has real, uncontrollable problems, or was shot in the face with botox too many times. Can't tell.
But whatever. Pop culture is full of borderline retarded people who are apt entertainers, right? So at least she can sing well.... except no, she can't. I think she confused "breathyness" with "class", and "over-emphasis" with "importance". The result was a more-annoying version of the Counting Crows guy.
There were skits in between the songs. Quality-wise, they were more on par with Mama's Family, but watching them, I was reminded of that episode of Dharma and Greg where Dharma does something wacky and Greg is just loveably flustered by it all. Have you seen that one?
Okay, okay. I realize this is family programming and therefore written to entertain even the most imbecilic child, but there's something unsettling (forget brain-hurtingly dumb) about comedy that's centered around this kind of master and dog dynamic. What's more, people LOVE it. I don't know what the ratings were, but if they fared anything like their last special, a lot of people watched. And in some ways it makes sense. The appeal of the show is its conjuring of nostalgia for Christmas, family, etc., within the dynamic of old-timey TV shows, like I Love Lucy. So to play that up, the writers emphasized Jessica as the silly wife, and Nick as the level-headed husband who's constantly frustrated by her hairbrained antics. Except, they really played it up. A lot. In fact, in the outtakes, she's not just playing dumb, she is dumb. Like, so stupid you can't believe your eyes dumb. And he fills his life-imitates-art role, too. I almost get the feeling it's not even about the sex any more. You can tell through his gritted teeth and clenched fists that if his fame wasn't intrinsically linked to hers, he'd just be done with her. His private moments were really the only parts worth watching.
But I digress...
It's just weird to think people watch this show because they're fond of the good ol' days, which apparently were times when husbands could come just shy of hitting their wives for all the stupid things they did. Don't get me wrong. I like a good tree and some lights. A carol or two. Sweater weather. But if you're gonna make a show about it -- please, more ta-tas and less sentimentality.
Fatso, who now has access to every nanosecond of television thanks to his new job, brought home the Nick and Jessica Christmas Freak Show. Apparently, Jessica has newer, bigger, better boobs. Far be it for me to complain about boobs, but she's acquiring a frightening Anna Nicole quality that can't be denied. I mean, her stupidity and vapidness are well-known, but as shown in the side-splitting outtakes, she consistently flubbed her lines and missed cues, all with that kind of innocent, 'oops, I messed my diaper' grin of babies and/or the elderly. On top of that, her delivery was flat and a-rythmical. She spoke her lines like a nervous first-grader forced to read her 'What I Did This Summer' essay aloud in class. But the Anna Nicole-ness really shined through when she started singing. Her face got all contorted, like she was fighting off a seizure to get the notes out. She either has real, uncontrollable problems, or was shot in the face with botox too many times. Can't tell.
But whatever. Pop culture is full of borderline retarded people who are apt entertainers, right? So at least she can sing well.... except no, she can't. I think she confused "breathyness" with "class", and "over-emphasis" with "importance". The result was a more-annoying version of the Counting Crows guy.
There were skits in between the songs. Quality-wise, they were more on par with Mama's Family, but watching them, I was reminded of that episode of Dharma and Greg where Dharma does something wacky and Greg is just loveably flustered by it all. Have you seen that one?
Okay, okay. I realize this is family programming and therefore written to entertain even the most imbecilic child, but there's something unsettling (forget brain-hurtingly dumb) about comedy that's centered around this kind of master and dog dynamic. What's more, people LOVE it. I don't know what the ratings were, but if they fared anything like their last special, a lot of people watched. And in some ways it makes sense. The appeal of the show is its conjuring of nostalgia for Christmas, family, etc., within the dynamic of old-timey TV shows, like I Love Lucy. So to play that up, the writers emphasized Jessica as the silly wife, and Nick as the level-headed husband who's constantly frustrated by her hairbrained antics. Except, they really played it up. A lot. In fact, in the outtakes, she's not just playing dumb, she is dumb. Like, so stupid you can't believe your eyes dumb. And he fills his life-imitates-art role, too. I almost get the feeling it's not even about the sex any more. You can tell through his gritted teeth and clenched fists that if his fame wasn't intrinsically linked to hers, he'd just be done with her. His private moments were really the only parts worth watching.
But I digress...
It's just weird to think people watch this show because they're fond of the good ol' days, which apparently were times when husbands could come just shy of hitting their wives for all the stupid things they did. Don't get me wrong. I like a good tree and some lights. A carol or two. Sweater weather. But if you're gonna make a show about it -- please, more ta-tas and less sentimentality.
